BREAKING NEWS 9/7/16: DONALD TRUMP EDITION

Ivanka Trump defended her father Donald Trump from charges that he was sexist, noting in an interview with CNN that he had promoted her to an executive position within his company.

"Of course," Ivanka admitted, "he admits I have a hot ass."

Marco Gutierrez, the co-founder of Latinos for Trump and who warned of “taco trucks on every corner”if Hillary Clinton wins, has been arrested multiple times for being a scam artist, as well as filing for bankruptcy 14 times. 

Gutierrez told reporters, "I have always patterned my life after Mr. Trump's."

Donald Trump's campaign released a letter Tuesday signed by 88 retired military leaders endorsing his presidential candidacy, including four four-star generals and 14 three-star flag officers.

A Trump spokesman added, "And we're still trying to lock down Herman Goering and Francisco Franco."

Last night on Fox News, Donald Trump told Bill O'Reilly that he didn't think his "birther" claims regarding Barack Obama hurt his popularity with black voters.

"How could it?" Trump added. "I was on TV saying that, and everybody knows blacks don't have TVs unless they steal them from stores."

A "mutant pig" with a human face and a penis growing out of its forehead has been born in China.

In related news, Donald Trump was seen sneaking out of a pig pen in China with his pants around his knees earlier this year.

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