DEMOLITION DERBY

According to the most recent polling,

If the secret word really is something you find
around the house, then 29% of the population
is brainless.

29% of Americans believe the Cliff Notes version of the Mueller Report exonerates Pres. Trump of all wrongdoing. 

If you're a pessimist like me, that number only confirms that over a quarter of our population lacks the reading and comprehension skills of your average first-grader.

But for you optimists -- and aren't you just darling! -- it means that potentially 71% are ready to elect a Democrat in 2020. But as we learned from the last presidential election, Democrats are really, really good at fucking up an alleged sure thing. Like choosing as their nominee their most unpopular presidential candidate ever. Maybe you fight fire with fire, but you don't fight despised with loathed.

So just what are their chances, come November 2020, of voters giving the heave-ho to the current Administration (a word which, quite appropriately, is also Mafia slang for the ruling body of a crime family)? Well, that again depends on how sunny your disposition is. This rundown will either set your mind at ease or have you purchasing a one-way ticket to Pago Pago. 

JULIAN CASTRO: I've been saying since day one that America wasn't going to elect someone who would be called President Castro. And you know who agrees with me? Julian Castro! His official campaign logo features his last name in letters smaller than those you see on the bottom line of an eye chart. Good luck, President Julian!




ROBERT FRANCIS "BETO" O'ROURKE: No candidate since John Kerry has tried so damn hard to capture the hoary  "Kennedyesque" mantle like O'Rourke. The teeth, hair, rolled up sleeves, Irish heritage -- hell, he's got the same first and middle names as you know who! And look -- he eats dirt with "regenerative powers"! He skateboards at a burger joint parking lot! He goes on a solo road trip to get out of his "funk" (while leaving his wife to take care of the kids)! But what does he say about health care and climate change? It depends on what day it is. He's our guy!

BERNIE SANDERS: The man who would be president (two years ago). But that bandage on the forehead -- due to an unfortunate run-in with a glass shower door -- makes the one-time maverick look like grandpa right before he's moved to an assisted living home against his will. But hey, gramps still has some good stories!



ELIZABETH WARREN: Is it sexist of me to confess that every time Warren talks, it sounds like she's on the verge of crying? Fine, I'll accept that. Is it sexist to point out that she was fucking a professor while she was married with kids? OK, whatever -- it would be dandy had she been a Republican male, right? But what about passing off "family stories" as proof of her alleged Native American heritage? If that's all that was needed, then I can claim that  I'm related to Sir Thomas Lipton! 

JOHN HICKENLOOPER: "President Hickenlooper"? I don't think so.







KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND: She's my Senator, yet the only thing I know about her is that she's a "young mom". How do I know that? Because she begins every damn interview with "As a young mom..." Gillibrand is 52; she had her first kid at 41. You know who else did? My wife. I was a year younger. And let me tell you, when we attended "parents night" at our daughter's schools, we were not young. And we're even less so now.

TULSI GABBARD: As I pointed out last year, Representative Gabbard should have been a slam dunk if Democrats wanted to win in 2020, since she was the diametrical opposite of Trump... until she won the endorsement of David Duke. That alone should interest some Trump voters who are looking for a new face. Yet unlike the president, Gabbard was aware of who Duke was, denounced his worldview, and rejected his endorsement -- thus, losing those same potential voters.

PETE BUTTIGIEG: Or, the candidate with the name that everybody has to copy and paste. Graduated Magna Cum Laude from Harvard College. Rhodes Scholar from Pembroke College, Oxford. Speaks six languages. Former Naval Intelligence  officer stationed in Afghanistan. As Mayor of South Bend, Indiana, is well-liked by both Democrats and Republicans. All this disqualifies Pete from being president. When on TV, makes sure to appear without a suit jacket to look like he's not a Rhodes Scholar, and to drop the line "In 35 years when I'm the president's age", which was funny the first 50 times he said it. Openly gay and happily married, which will not please voters who prefer their president to be in a loveless marriage while fucking Playboy models and porn stars. 

Full/partial/after the fact disclosure: I've donated three bucks each to two of the above candidates. If my luck concerning campaign donations holds up, Trump voters will be pleased come election night, goddammit.

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