Researchers at Penn State discovered that narcissistic people tend to enter politics and put their own interests above the country's.
The study was done at the school's Department of Duh, No Shit Sherlock.
Dr. Anthony Faucci said Tuesday that as many as 400,000 Americans could die from COVID-19.
Faucci added, "And those are just the Republicans!"
In related news, hundreds of members of Brooklyn's Borough Park Orthodox community took to the streets Tuesday night, defying orders to disperse and lighting a fire in protest of restrictions imposed on area synagogues, schools and non-essential businesses over a COVID-19 surge.
"This should reassure people," said an unidentified participant, "that we can be just as stupid as evangelical Christians."
Onlookers at a Vatican event were surprised to see Pope Francis was maskless and kissing the hands of newly-ordained priests.
The Pope was unconcerned, but reminded the priests they should definitely cover their faces when sexually-abusing children.
Four white people have been charged after a black man's strangled and burned corpse was found in a ditch next to a roadside in Kellogg, Iowa. While police are treating the case a murder, they said there's no evidence to suggest it was race-related.
"Unless," said police spokesman John Sivoney, "by race-related you mean racing to acquit them as fast as possible."
Accused Jeffrey Epstein madam Ghislaine Maxwell has hired so-called “super lawyer” Bobbi Sternheim, who once represented one of Osama bin Laden’s henchmen.
"The primary difference between the two cases," Sternheim told reporters, "is that this time I'm ashamed of myself."
A recent study in Israel discovered that sexual activity can improve survival in the years following a heart attack.
A subsequent poll showed that the majority of wives responded, "Why take the chance?"
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