THE WIND-UP MERCHANT

And don't forget the fine art of shilling.

 The citizens of the US and UK have had something of a mutual admiration thing going on since our little dust-up 250 years ago, and for good reason. First, we speak the same language, so we must be special. 

Too, each county's culture makes up for what the other lacks. Americans like to think they're tough, but they admire the Brits' classiness. Sports fans in both countries follow the other's football games (or matches). And the "British Invasion" music of the 1960s likely never would have happened if we hadn't given them rhythm & blues.

Yup, good times had by all... until someone on Twitter wondered what their fellow Brits found most annoying about the Yanks. Before you could say "'Ere now, what's all this, then?", the anti-Americans Tweets came singing.

Personally, I find it hilarious that they have
to spell it differently on the same credit.

Among them: The way we spell words like "color" and "neighbor" (as if the letter "u" makes them look sophisticated); pronounce "herb" without the "h" (which makes us sound sophisticated); and, as if reaching for something to complain about,  saying "quarter past" instead of "quarter after".

Really? That's what drives you crazy about us Americans? Good Lord, haven't you been following the newspapers (or "sausage wrappers", as you like to call them)? For a while I had to stop following American news it was so upsetting. And what do the British people say: Spell it with a U! And it's "football", not "soccer"!

Well, fine. Americans can play that game, too. Here are a few British things that we find unacceptable.

Don't tell me you don't miss them.

-- Failing to have made the break-up of the Beatles illegal. Do you realize the
heartbreak we continue to suffer over 50 years on?

-- Not providing subtitles for the BBC sitcoms that run on PBS. There's nothing like hearing what non-Oxford Brits sound like to make us feel better about how we talk.

 

Putting parsley in their mouths doesn't make
it any classier.

-- Your beloved traditional meals. Toad in the Hole.  Jellied Eels. Bubble and Squeak. And the legendary Spotted Dick. They even sound grotty.

 --  And speaking of "grotty", what is it with your slangs? Gobsmacked. Taking the piss. Bob's your uncle. Fanny's your aunt. What the hell are you talking about?! 

Uh, you know he didn't exist, right?

-- London's wacky street layouts. When visiting on our first anniversary, we
noticed how some street names changed from block to block. Other street names ended in front of one building, then picked up on the other side three blocks away. You sure make your mail carriers earn their pay!

-- Another thing about our visit. Do you know how difficult it was to drive our rented car when everybody was driving on the wrong side of the road? I knocked over a line of traffic cones while taking an exit off the throughway -- or, as you spell it, thruway.

-- Boris Johnson. At least we got rid of Donald Trump.

-- You pay the royal family £67 million for... what, exactly?

Now, I don't hold any of this against you personally.  I've met some Brits in my life and have enjoyed their company tremendously. One of my background acting colleagues is British by birth but now lives here full time. Although I haven't been able to work in over a year, I still see him every Sunday morning on a commercial for a local medical research center.

And you know why they hired him? His accent! Maybe someone in British television can return the favor. I'd be right chuffed if you gave me a tinkle on the hornblower, mate.

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