QUEEN FOR A LIFETIME

Yo, Queen, where's the crown?

You probably can't tell, but the snapshot on the right is one I took of Queen Elizabeth II when she visited my hometown of Newport, RI, during the Bicentennial. 

At the time, the only thoughts I had were 1) Hey, that's the Queen!, and 2) I wonder if she'll dine at Flo's Clam Shack tonight.

What I didn't think was that people would still be writing about her in the present tense close to half a century later. Imagine getting a job eight years after the end of World War II, and still having it in 2021 -- without any room for advancement.

 Johnny himself doesn't believe it.

No wonder even King Punk himself, Johnny Rotten, now an American citizen, says he will "sorely miss" the Queen when she passes away. Unless you're a really senior senior citizen, she's been the only one person on the throne in your lifetime. The only thing I can compare it to is my daughter living in New York under Mayor Mike Bloomberg for 12 years. And he never wore a royal robe.

But not even royalty lasts forever. Recently, Politico published the detailed plans of what is to take place in the ten days between the death of Her Royal Majesty and the funeral. Nothing has been left to chance -- even the memorial service, on the evening of her death, at St. Paul's Cathedral, which, to quote Politico, is "planned to appear 'spontaneous'". So much for surprises!

Nothing -- not even what happens if the funeral happens on a bank holiday -- will be left to chance. (Will ATMs go into mourning?) And yet for all the minutiae surrounding the dreaded event, some events are yet to be decided. They include:

 

 

 

 

Making sure the Queen isn't just faking it so she can hear what people really think of her.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Preventing Charles from tearing the crown off her head and slamming it on his own when she's officially pronounced dead. 

 

 

 

 

 

Putting Harry and Meghan on the no-fly list until after the funeral.

 

 

 

 

Reminding William that his father can't be fired.
 

 

 

 

 

Using the funeral to distract the public from the royal family smuggling Prince Andrew to a country that won't extradite him back to the UK.

 

 

 

Ordering the official numismatic artist to find Charles' best side for British currency -- and if he hasn't got one, to create one.

 

 

 

 

Figuring out if not inviting Oprah to the funeral would be condemned as racist colonial behavior.

 

 
 

 

 

 

 

Making sure the younger BBC staffers know the difference between the official "God Save the Queen" and the other one.

 

 

 

Convincing Britons that it's worth spending £350,000,000 per year to support an institution that does absolutely nothing.

 

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