Last October, I wrote a piece about how my phone's camera app generated my photo into various caricatures. The point of it was to show how far from reality they were, making Al Hirschfield sketches look like George Hurrell photos in comparison.
Well, a lot can change five months. The app has taken its magic to the next step by creating photo-realistic imagery from existing photos. And my reaction has gone from This doesn't look like me to Why can't I look like this?
Just to make it more of a challenge, I used a selfie from a recent visit to the dentist:
Before continuing, thank you for your compliments on my big, beautiful teeth. I wanted to ease into this A.I. stuff gradually, so my first choice was the "vintage" style from the 1970s.
Boy, they really nailed that faded, Polaroid SX-70 look. Can almost smell the chemicals from here. Looks like something you'd find in a shoebox full of deservedly forgotten photos in the back of the closet.
The first "new" look I wanted was "professional headshot". Outside of a print ad for Ipana, there didn't seem to be any use for a photo like that dental office shot. Yet here's what it spat out:
Hey! How'd they do that? Kind of looks like a guy who got into the tech boom 40 years ago and made a comfortable living along the way. Nice room, too. Now I understand why a casting agency recently sent an angry email to background actors warning, We know when you're submitting A.I. headshots. Knock it off or you won't get hired. If I didn't know me, I wouldn't have known this was A.I. imagery.
I used to do character modeling back in the day, specializing in computer nerds, delivery guy nerds, any kind of professional nerd you could think of. For a while my face was on a truck owned by a local office cleaning company. But now it was time to up my game and become a fashion model. Presto:
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Yeah, baby! Somebody arrange for an airplane because this silver fox is ready for the runway! Love the thoughtful, hand-to-the-chin business -- reminds me of my idol, Jeff Goldblum. I have no idea what that thing is on my sweater, but who cares? If this doesn't land me in the Brooks Brothers catalogue, nothing will.
Being a fan of "old Hollywood", I had to try the "dramatic black & white" option. Was it possible that my dental selfie could do the job? You tell me:
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Holy glamour lighting, Batman! I wish, wish, wish I looked like this. I mean, goddamn, look at that hair! The hand seems a little big, but still. This is the best photo never taken of me. If I weren't so mature, I'd send this to every woman I ever dated -- a small circle, TBH -- with the caption Look what you missed out on. Bet you got fat. But to repeat, I'm too mature. I also don't have their contact information.
Continuing to fool around with the app with different photos, two thoughts occurred to me. 1) A.I. is improving every 15 seconds. 2) Even though my wife said these "photos" were creepy and that I'm better looking in real life, I didn't believe her.
With each new image, I was getting more depressed. No matter what my wife said, I didn't want to look like me. I wanted to look like that. And that is a figment of my camera's imagination.
The lesson from my adventures in A.I.: For better or worse, for richer or poorer, I will always look like me. I might not like it, but it's gotten me this far. And if I ever need a pick-me-up, all that needs to be done is run an already decent photo in black & white mode:
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