TIGER, TIGER DRIVING BADLY

 During my background days, the star of a major TV series was talking to a group of us about his DUI from the previous weekend. He had been in L.A. at the time, and it made the papers. 

"That's why you New Yorkers are lucky," he said. "You can take the subway home when you've been at a bar. In L.A. you have to drive everywhere." 

Next Halloween's biggest-selling mask.

Alas, Los Angeles isn't the only city without mass transit. Jupiter Island, Florida, is of many places in America where you need a car. Tiger Woods proved that yesterday, as his latest mugshot attests. 

Or rather, this is the fourth time Tiger Woods has proved a judge needs to take his keys and prevent him from even walking past an automotive dealer. 

It's always interesting to see what celebrities can get away with. For Tiger Woods, the borderline-washed up golfer, it's driving under the influence and, when he's really blotto, crashing his car. (Of his four arrests, the only one that didn't involve a smash-up was when he was found in the front seat sleeping off a bender, something the locals were undoubtedly grateful for.)

There are many people better than me who will shake their head and say, "I take no joy in what Tiger is going through." Well, hell, I sure do. Not him getting away with DUIs time and time again. But because he deserves to be made a mockery of. 

"Hey, you'll never guess what happened!"

Take a good look, if you will, at Woods' driving skills. Even with the car lying on its side at the side of the road -- he had been driving over the speed limit while trying to pass a tow truck -- he was able to crawl out the passenger side, stumble past a hydrant and apparently make a phone call, presumably to his lawyer to get him out of a jam again. At eleven o'clock in the morning!

According to the New York Times, "He was charged with DUI with property damage [clipping the tow truck] and refusal to submit to a lawful [urinalysis]. Both charges are misdemeanors." 

Driving under the influence, hitting another vehicle, and refusing a piss test are on the same level of littering? Florida will do anything to get people to move there.

Tiger Woods leaving the pokey. Now he gets
someone to drive him home.

You know things are bad when the Times has one of their "WHAT YOU SHOULD READ NEXT" side articles titled, "A timelime of Tiger Woods' car crashes and injuries after latest incident."  If you or I had been pulling this crap, our "timeline" would have ended after the second arrest, when we were given a chance to cool off for six months in prison. 

But a guy who hits a little white ball around a country club gets the kid glove treatment and just might continue to until he winds up hurting somebody other than himself. The term "white privilege" doesn't come into play here -- this is green privilege. And I'm not referring to the color of grass.

Near the end of the Times' coverage is a link to another article, this one titled "We don't need to quit Tiger Woods. But we must ask less of him." Jesus, all we're asking him to do is not drive under the influence of booze or pills. How difficult is that? The DUI actor I referenced in the beginning learned his lesson about eight years ago. Gee, looks like it can be done!

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