THE ZIRCONIUM NETWORK

 

Oh yeah, that's a winning team right there.

When last we saw Bari Weiss, the blogger-turned-network titan had been charged by her
her masters Larry and David Ellison to salvage what was left of the reputation of CBS News. 

In the intervening months, Weiss has worked her magic by hiring the weepy Tony Dokoupil to commandeer CBS Evening News, postponing an anti-ICE piece on 60 Minutes until an evening that a major football game on another network would distract viewers, firing over 6% of its workforce, seeing a producer quit in angry frustration, watched the staff of CBS streaming News walk off the job for 24 hours, and sending the ratings (and possibly her job) into a death spiral worthy of Karl Wallenda. 

Tony Dokupil prepares for his new job as a used
car salesman.

None of that was enough to complete her job, so she announced the shuttering of CBS Radio News a year short of its 100th birthday. 

Before going further, let me ask: does referring to Bari Weiss as a useful idiot for the Trump toe-sucking Ellisons sound homophobic? Or misogynistic? Or true? Leave comments below, subscribe, like, give a thumbs up, ring the bell, and whatever else is considered proof of news viewership.

They've gone from "Good night and
good luck" to "So long, suckers!"

Because that's where CBS News is headed. As reported late last year, Weiss told staffers they will need to lean more into podcasting. “I’m here to tell you that if we stick to that [focusing on broadcast] strategy, we’re toast,” Weiss said. But what Weiss has accomplished since then is burnt toast and a rotten egg.

I'm not convinced that Weiss decided to shut down CBS Radio News on her own. Surely the Ellisons whispered the idea in her ear. Say, Bari, who listens to radio news anyway, except people in their cars who don't have Sirus/XM? 

And they wouldn't necessarily be wrong. Anyone following radio news at home is tuned to either Fox Radio or NPR. The former are counting their containers of survivalists' canned meat while they listen, while the latter knit FUCK TRUMP doilies. Everyone else is either at work, looking for work, or waiting for mainstream news to admit World War III is in progress.

Sharp enough to know the
news division is doomed.

What we're witnessing isn't the end of CBS News per se. It's the beginning of the end of network news as we've known it. Those eight million viewers watching David Muir on ABC are baby boomers and Gen Xers from the P.C. (pre-cable) years, and neither are going to live forever.

Younger people get their news from other sources and can't afford cable anyway. No way they're suddenly going to put everything on hold at dinner time to watch 18 minutes of news and 12 minutes of commercials for pharmaceuticals and LiMu Emu. 

The Ellisons, like oligarchs before them, are taking advantage of a changing landscape, reshaping it to their liking. Meanwhile, Bari Weiss genuinely believes she's doing good, rather than realizing she's just a vessel for her masters' evil ways and will get thrown overboard when the job is complete. That's the way it is, whether you like it or not.

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