FRIENDS TO THE END (OF THE CHARGE)

You can forget about this, too.

 It's an adage as old as the hills: money can't buy friends. 

Sez you! All one needs is anywhere from $18,000 to $146,000 for the best bestie you could ever had. And that's just a one-time payment! Sure, it's pricey, but here's the beauty part: unlike your current friends, they'll never dump their problems on you. 

In fact, you can complain about anything you want, from your stupid boss to how your parents screwed you up by feeding you spinach out of a can. Not only won't they mind being used as an emotional garbage disposal, they'll nod and agree with everything you say. Now that's a friend. Oh, and did I say they're incredibly good-looking? 

Quick, which looks more human?

All you need to do in return is recharge them every few hours. For these perfect friends are robots, courtesy of
UBTech Robotics from, where else, China. You can tell they're Chinese-made because they look like your typical dreamboat anime cartoon characters -- not quite Asian, not quite white, but 100% hunh?

The idea behind these "ultrabionic companions" is that some people, particularly those who have been marked with the curse "May you live a long life", have seen friends and relatives exit stage right, left, and in between. Finally, they can have a friend or loved one who will never wither and die. (That's where the recharging comes in.) 

There's a joke to be made about incels
and "chest sensors" but you make one
up yourself.

This isn't to say only old people have all the fun. We hear plenty about the "loneliness epidemic" affecting all ages. Now those Gen Zers can put their winnings from crypto, gaming, and gambling to good use. 

What young man wouldn't love a girlfriend who didn't roll their eyes in utter boredom while he didn't explain in mind-numbing detail about becoming the champion at the latest PlayStation Tournament? Someone who blinked her eyes like a doe, dressed like a classy 19th-century prostitute, and had the face of a girl who may or may not be at the age of consent? 

And if she's not? Who cares? There's no law against having impure thoughts about a robot!

Go ahead, ladies, take as many pictures as you
want. He doesn't care. Except about you.

And listen up, young women! You, too, can have the man of your dreams. And
not some A.I. Romeo who communicates only via text. Their cyborg sweetie speaks softly, gives a "tell me more" tilt of the head when you share secrets you wouldn't mention to a therapist, and never tries to fix your problems. He's there to listen, with no strings attached. Why can't all men be like robots?

And their clothing choices are just as
ridiculous as humans'.

And if it's a loved one you miss, not a problem. UBTech will create a duplicate for you with the help of photos and recordings. I know plenty of people who would be happy never to see certain people from their past ever again but to each their own. 

So far, 13,000 humanoid-hungry people have put in orders for simple, table-top armless companions whose bodies end at the navel, up to the real-life kinds that walk and wave their hands. I'm not sure which is creepier.

Killjoy therapists believe robo-pals will only worsen the problems lonely people already have. But as an Al-Jazeera reporter assures us, "The firm believes the business case is sound." Nice to see China embrace capitalism so heartily! As long as lonely people have five or six figures to drop on plastic, wires, and chips wrapped up in pseudo-skin, it seems the only companion that UBTech's president needs is a good money manager. 

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