IT'S THEIR PARTIES AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO

 There was a time when I was pretty good at political predictions. I called Bill Clinton's election, along with George W. Bush's and Donald Trump's. Maybe it's old age catching up with me, but the midterms have me kind of stumped. Democrats are likely to gain seats in at least one of the Congressional houses, but by how much is a mystery as big as Bari Weiss believing 60 Minutes would gain more viewers by firing the correspondents who made it a success. (I just had to get in a wisecrack about Weiss any way possible.)

However, assuming the blue wave comes crashing onshore, there are things can be predicted with semi-accuracy:

Vivek Ramaswamy assures white voters
he's just a guy with a funny name who tans easily.

Many Republicans in Congress will admit they saw it coming, while still publicly casting doubt on the final voter tally. Others will blame cheating Democrats. Most will off-the-record blame Trump, despite them supporting everything he said, did, or destroyed. They will continue to promise a great healthcare bill as they have since Obama's first term. Their fans, in turn, will believe them and continue to vote against their best interests. 

Sleep tight, America.

Trump will blame the GOP candidates who didn't want him campaigning for them. He'll also blame the candidates who did invite him for not campaigning hard enough. He'll also come down hard on the mainstream media, cheating Democrats, communists, lazy Republican voters who believed the negative polls, Fox News for reporting said negative polls, Zelensky for not caving into Putin, MAGA folks who don't believe him when he says gas prices are going down, Biden for egg prices, and Obama for being alive.

Schumer instructs Jeffries on the
fine art of doing nothing.

The Democrat establishment will wring its hands at their victory. Led by Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries (the Dr. Caligari and Cesare of American politics), they will also warn their jazzed-up voters to temper their expectations regarding taking any action that were promised during the campaigns. They will instead promise not to rock the boat, and continue to assure the top 1% that Democrats will be "Wall Street's best friend", all the while making fruitless outreach to the bottom 30% of Trump's ride-or-die base. 

But here's a prediction I'm confident to make: If Democrats win bigly, Trump will, in a matter of months, place a 2:00 a.m.  call to J.D. Vance and say, "I quit. The job's yours now." He will then go on Truth Social -- surely the two least appropriate words for anything connected to Trump -- and say, "On the advice on my doctor, I have decided to leave the office of the presidency. My health needs to come first." He will also blame the mainstream media, cheating Democrats, communists, lazy Republican voters who believed the negative polls, Fox News for reporting said negative polls...

"As God is my witness, I will divorce my brown-
skin heathen wife and marry Erika Kirk
when I'm sworn in as president."

And yet, I might be wrong. It could very well be that the midterms will begin the righting of the good ship USA. Voters on both sides will come to their senses, and politicians will do what's best for the citizens rather than their wallets. Trump will reluctantly accept the results and try to work with the Democrat majority.

Just joking!

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