BREAKING NEWS: EBOLA EDITION

As fears over an Ebola outbreak continue to grow, the White House is under increasing pressure to prevent flights containing passengers from affected African countries from entering the United States.

President Barack Obama, however, is resisting such a move. White House spokesman Josh Earnest explained to reporters, "How else are we going to know who's infected unless they come here? Africa's a big place, you know."

Meanwhile, Sen Ted Cruz (R-TX) has issued a statement regarding Nina Pham, the first nurse to be diagnosed with Ebola after treating an infected Liberian man at a Dallas hospital. "The fact that Nurse Pham was taken for treatment in Bethesda, Maryland shows yet another failure of Obamacare. She works at a hospital in Dallas already, and yet was flown over 1,300 miles for treatment. Who's picking up the tab for this unnecessary travel? The American taxpayers, that's who. When Congress returns to work next month, I'm going to demand an investigation to see if Nurse Pham took out a student loan without having any way to repay it if she were to die from this infection -- and once again, leaving the American taxpayers on the hook."

In a related matter, the Walt Disney Company is suing Sudan and the Republic of Congo -- the original sources of the disease in 1976 -- for copyright infringement, claiming that the top part of the Ebola virus is "an unauthorized facsimile of Mickey Mouse." Disney is also seeking damages for "defaming the reputation of our theme parks' beloved official greeter. Mickey Mouse is expected to bring joy and laughter, not black vomit and projectile diarrhea."

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