PROSTRATE FOR PROSTATE

Many years ago, I had a good friend who frequented an illegal brothel located in a West Side condo. He ran through so much money that he asked for, and received, $3,000 from his grandmother for "medical expenses," when it was actually for further visits. He justified it by saying his afternoon trysts were good for his health.
 
While I had a good laugh over it, it seems he was onto something after all. As the headline in the London Telegraph read this week, Sex with 21 Women Lowers Risk of Prostate Cancer, Academics Find 

Finally, some headway in the cure for cancer! As the article says:

Sleeping with more than 20 women protects men against prostate cancer, a study has suggested.

Men who had slept with more than 20 women lowered their risk of developing cancer by almost one third, and were 19 per cent less likely to develop the most aggressive form. 

Take with liquor three times a day.

And remember, ladies, this is science, as President Obama would say. So none of your complaining when hubby comes home stinking of cheap perfume -- he was just undergoing aggressive treatment for his prostate. Academics said so.

Not that it's going to do me any good. When I first glanced at the article, I thought it said having sex 20 times. I've been married 22 years, so I would have just about qualified. But 20 women? My prostate's probably the size of a casaba melon by now. So much for "a strong marriage" being the key to prolonging a man's life. It only seems that way. (Provide your own rimshot.)

Boy oh boy, I cannot wait for the commercials for this prostate treatment. Right now, they always feature a middle-aged couple driving through the country and pitching a tent in the woods. Now, you're going to see hubby kicking his wife out the passenger side, then filling the SUV with as many hot women who'll fit. Possible side effects include euphoria, ecstasy, and an urge to smoke a cigarette afterwards. Do not take while operating heavy machinery, driving a vehicle, or, come to think of it, doing anything other than watching porn.

The doctors will see you now.

Then there's the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, Nevada's legendary legal brothel. If the Ranch's owner is smart, he'll rename it the Desert Prostate Clinic. Customers would then be able to take medical deductions on their 1040. And at these prices, they'll have to. 

In the interest of economics, I researched just how much an average visit -- make that "treatment" -- the Bunny Ranch sets you back. One former patient was blunt: 

2 girls, 2 hours? Your looking at $2500-$4000! Even if you choose mediocre girls, each girl is going to need $400- $500 an hour or more, depending, so do the math.

When it comes to maintaining your health, nobody wants to settle for mediocrity. On the other hand, if your standards are low, you'll be able to afford more visits. You know how some people have to choose between eating and paying the doctor? There are plenty of men who will starve in order to pay these bills. You can't put a price on good health. 

Women, as usual, have it lucky because they don't have a prostate to maintain. All they're going to get after sex with 20 men is chlamydia. I can hear Debbie Wasserman Shultz now: "It's just another example of the Republicans' war on women!" Like women would knowingly have sex with Republicans anyway. 

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