LOOKIN' FOR LUKA

Much has been made about Joyce Mitchell, the seamstress who helped two killers escape from a maximum security prison because she was in love with at least one of them. If only she had lived in Canada, she could have joined a dating site that would have scratched her 25-to-life itch. And yes, she could have met the murderer of her dreams -- someone like Luka Magnotta:

The Canadian one-time porn star who was sentenced to life in prison for murdering his Chinese lover and mailing the body parts to schools and political parties has now joined a matchmaking website for inmates.

Warning to anyone who dates this guy: if you're in a hurry, it's best not to say "chop chop." 

Having gotten that out of the way, let's check out his profile on Canadian Inmates Connect, a site for convicts looking for companionship from people outside those cold, gray walls:

Just the photos and the first line of his bio is enough to put him in front of the line. But before you ladies go out and buy a new outfit, you should know that Luka is gay. (But I know I can change him! I hear you cry. I wouldn't try it. He appears to be pretty settled in the way he is.)

As for Luka himself: judging by his demands, he's got a few problems. Speaking strictly from an apparel point of view, that upturned-collar look went out with A Flock of Seagulls. Too, the little crucifix around his neck is a general turn-off to anyone who isn't a practicing Christian like him. By the way, Luka should expect plenty of angry texts from the P.C. police who will see his demand for someone "white and in shape" as racist and sizeist.

However, I don't blame him for wanting somebody "emotionally stable," since it's good when couples balance things out. However, right now Luka's already in a "long term committed relationship" -- like, with the Canadian government for the next 50 or so years. (His "expected release date" of 2037 must refer to the last movie he made before his arrest.)

"My home is spacious, with a well-maintained lawn."

Luka's little lean-to, Archambault Penitentiary, hasn't the storied history of, say, Alcatraz or Sing Sing, having been built only in 1969. But that shouldn't bother potential suitors, since it's still worthy of a mention on a web page with the compelling title, "Archambault Prison's Bloody, Brutal History."  Fun fact: More guards have been killed there than at any other Canadian prison!

It was the philosopher Drew Barrymore who was quoted by the cerebral journal Us magazine as saying, "I think it's nice when people find love, because I feel like everyone deserves it."  Luka Magnotta would deeply and truly agree with you, Drew. Maybe you've got friends in Hollywood who would like to meet someone who's also looking for love. Having starred in porno movies, Luka's also in the "business," so there'd be plenty of shop talk to share. 

Yes, Drew, I'm sure Luka shares your philosophy. No doubt Luka thought his late Chinese boyfriend "deserved it" as well.

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