BREAKING NEWS: 8/12/16

Project managers in Pyongyang have reportedly begun supplying their workers with crystal meth in a bid to finish a critical showcase construction project on time.

In related news, Google noticed a search spike for "Where is Pyongyang and how do I get there" in Alabama, Mississippi, and Texas.

In Punta Gorda, Florida, police officer Lee Coel fatally shot a 73 year-old woman during a role-play exercise.

Explaining how such a thing could happen, Coel said, "I thought she was playing an unarmed black teenager."

In Houston, Texas, a woman who installed a surveillance camera in her twins' bedroom four years ago only recently discovered that someone hacked into the system in order to stream it live on the web for countless people to see.

Informed of the incident, Hillary Clinton said, "Didn't I tell you it takes a village to raise a child?"

Thomas Edward Blanton, Jr., the lone surviving Ku Klux Klan member convicted in an Alabama church bombing that killed four black girls in 1963, is up for parole after spending 15 years in prison for murder.

Republican Alabama Governor Robert J. Bentley said, "I look forward to Mr. Blanton campaigning with me next year."

In the latest issue of Harper's Bazaar, Kanye West calls his wife Kim Kardashian "the new Marie Antoinette."

The magazine's entire readership agreed, and immediately offered to guillotine her.

The Children's Television Workshop announced that three of Sesame Street's original actors, Bob McGrath, Emilio Delgado, and Roscoe Orman, have been fired from the series.

Their final episode was sponsored by the letters FU.

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