BREAKING NEWS: 8/2/16

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has hired 39 year-old Adam Giambrone to oversee the Brooklyn-to-Bronx streetcar project. Giambrone had previously dropped out of the Toronto mayoral election when it was learned that he was having sex with a 19 year-old college student in his office at same time he had a live-in girlfriend, who is now his wife.

When asked why Giambrone was hired, de Blasio said, "With his experience with women, laying tracks should be a breeze."

Archaeologists in Scotland who discovered the skeleton of a woman who died 3,700 years ago have been able to create a two-dimensional image of her face. 

Donald Trump announced that he would be divorcing Melania in order to marry her.





In related news, Trump spokesperson Kayleigh McEnany defended the GOP

presidential candidate's comment that any woman who experienced sexual harassment at work should either quit her job or find a new career. 

"I mean, I'd want to do the same thing," McEnany said. "Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of job openings for professional idiots."

Buildings have been damaged and train tracks bent in Norseman, West Australia due to 50 earthquakes in less than two months.

Scientists were baffled until learning Chris Christie had been vacationing there.

ISIS has published the 15th issue of its official magazine, Dabiq. Its current editorial is titled "Why We Hate You and Why We Fight You".

The six reasons given are:

1. Beating women is illegal.
2. Trial by juries is BOR-ING!
3. Pokemon-Go characters aren't dressed in burkas.
4. Gay marriages don't end with the traditional tossing off from buildings.
5. No goat-flavored gelato.
6. American networks cancel too many TV series without a sense of closure at the end of their run.

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