ERECTION NIGHT COVERAGE

Toobin demonstrates how he behaves on Zoom calls.

With the world in such a mess these days, you take your distractions where you can find them.
So a big horse-laugh thank you to Jeffrey Toobin for giving us the chance to not only forget that our country is on the verge of Civil War II, but to remind us that a contributor to both CNN and the hoity-toity New Yorker is, at heart, a horny, homely middle-aged man who can't go 10 minutes without, shall we say, letting the pony out of the stable. 

At (literally) first blush, the early word was that Toobin had accidentally given his New Yorker colleagues a gander at his gender during a Zoom call during a simulation of all election night possibilities. 

OK, when you've been working from home for seven months, maybe you get a little sloppy. You're so used to sitting around in your boxers that you forget that people on the other end of your laptop can see you when you retrieve that fifth cup of java from the kitchen. Happens to all of us. Well, not me, if only because 1) I wear pants, and 2) Said pants are zipped up outside the bathroom. Oh, and 3) The only person I can flash is my wife, and after three decades she's getting just a little tired of it.

Still, you get the idea: shit happens. And a reaction to such a faux-pas would likely run along the lines of, Yo, Jeff, my man! You might want to put on a pair of jeans, bro! That is, if people at the New Yorker talk like that. But that would run the risk of cultural appropriation, and they wouldn't stand for it.

Sometimes it's safer to be very, very busy at work.

 Anyway, that's the way it appeared to have played out. Until two people on the call spoke to (appropriately) Vice. And suddenly, the revised headline gave a more detailed accounting: New Yorker Suspends Jeffrey Toobin for Masturbating on Zoom Call.

Now, it's my understanding that people have been engaging in this kind of behavior since the quarantine started. The difference is, it's extracurricular rather than work-related, and it's agreed upon by both parties. Toobin, on the other hand (no pun intended), took advantage of a 10-minute break during the call by opening another window on his laptop. The site he was looking at is unknown, but it likely wasn't Weather.com. 

When you're caught (again literally) with your pants down, the accused's apology tends to be chockfull of legalese wordplay. Give Toobin, a lawyer, credit for sounding somewhat like the fool that he is: “I made an embarrassingly stupid mistake, believing I was off-camera. I apologize to my wife, family, friends and co-workers." 

Jeffrey Toobin trying to figure out what ALT means,

So far, so good. But instead of going the Please respect my privacy at this time route, he
added, “I believed I was not visible on Zoom. I thought no one on the Zoom call could see me. I thought I had muted the Zoom video.”

Mute the Zoom video? That's like turning up the brightness on the Zoom audio. C'mon, grandpa, it's 2020, get with the (computer) program! During your courtroom days, would you have accused your client? Defended the accuser?

If  Toobin had this simple piece of plastic, he'd still
be yakking on CNN.

During his web surfing, Toobin might have come across a site other than Pornhub (see what I did there?). A little mom & pop store called Amazon. If so, he should know they sell little webcam cover slide-thingys that prevent people on the other end from seeing you on your laptops and smartphones. 

Six for $6.99 -- and, if you've got Prime like me, shipping is free! The covers on the Dell, Droid, and Kindle hide my handsome face from people on the monthly webinars our money manager holds, as well as from any potential hackers that might take control of my device. (Toobin handles his own device when on the computer.) On the other hand, if the guy can't control his urges during a 10 minute work-break, he's likely got bigger problems to figure out.

Naturally, the New York Post -- which of late has become Donald Trump's version of Der Sturmer -- has made l'affaire Toobin front page news. And being tabloid, who can blame them? Aside from including at least two sexual puns, it gives the editors a break from ignoring the president's continuing psychological breakdown and Minister of Propaganda Giuliani's increasingly doubtful Biden email leak. But, to be fair and balanced, Trump's description of CNN folks as "dumb bastards" certainly holds water here.

What's best about this story is that Jeff has likely introduced new slangs for masturbation. Jeffing-Off. Zoom the Toob. And -- my favorite -- Muting the Video. At last, Jeff has contributed something long-lasting to society.

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