THE NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORIST

I can't tell if that's the outline of a
clown's face or an aerial shot of a glass of
milk between two pieces of
a broken donut.

Yesterday morning, hours before Joe Biden's inauguration, I received a notice from my Citizen app. Instead of the usual "report of smoke from apartment building" or "crash on FDR Drive near 79th", it was a report of law enforcement activity on 88th and York, about four blocks away.

Not just any law enforcement, but local police, state police, and the FBI. Now this was worth investigating! Feds rarely stake out my neighborhood,  where federal offenses tend to be classy, like art and antiquity scams at nearby auction houses. Braving the 34-degree cold (minus about 10 more when taking wind chill into account), I went out with smartphone in hand, ready to take any pictures worth sharing with the world.

Had I the nerve, I might have gotten a better
picture.

 When I got to the crime scene, an unmarked police car was blocking 88th Street, and an official-looking van was parked cater-cornered outside an apartment building. I tried scoping out guys wearing FBI jackets, but all I could see were regular cops. Disappointed but not surrendering, I walked two blocks north where a police car with flashing lights was parked. 

 

 

The kind of dramatic shot you usually get only
when there's a construction crane at work.

 

The scene was taped off, the police having closed 90th between York and 1st Avenues. What had started as an interesting criminal investigation now appeared to be a lead-up to the sight of a police van rolling down the street as a stern voice from inside says, 'PLEASE EVACUATE THE AREA NOW!" 

I returned home hoping to have shared some dramatic photos and a breathless report to my wife. Instead, I did the laundry.

That's right, men. There's nothing
women like more than a gun-
wielding maniac threatening to kill
politicians and civilians alike.

A few hours later, the internet provided details. A fellow named Samuel Fisher, also known as Brad Holiday, had been arrested for taking part in the January 6 Capitol insurrection. No antiquities scammer he! 

Yet this fellow fancies himself something of a people person. You see, when not planning violent acts of sedition and possible murder, Fisher/Holiday is a dating coach.  

Ladies, if you ever wonder why you can't find a nice single guy, check out Fisher/Holiday's selfie on the left. Then thank your lucky stars you're single.

And in a twist that not even I could dream up, his Eventbrite page promises "Killer Dating Strategies". A couple of week ago, he almost made good on that, as this report states:

Agents seized a shotgun, ammunition, two machetes, two tactical vests and other weaponry from Fisher's Chevrolet 1500 Tahoe SUV. The vehicle also contained an American flag, a newspaper with Trump's face on it, a poncho and vitamins.

Fisher/Holiday's credo on his website. Maybe he should
take his own advice.

But don't let that madman look fool you -- Fisher/Holiday does have empathy for the victims, as he stated on one of his social media sites: "I was there . . . it was awesome. People died... but it was fucking awesome if you ask me." Well, in Trumpworld that counts as empathy. 

If you want to see what kind of dating coach Fisher/Holiday is, you can check out his YouTube video. Around the five minute mark, he confides, "I only buy drinks for girls I fuck." Yup, this is a Trump guy for sure. 

Fortunately, thanks to fine work of the FBI, he's currently not in the position to continue hosting trivia and charades parties for singles. Americans -- particularly New York women -- can sleep a little safer in their beds.

                                                       **************