LUCKY 14

 

"Anybody here have four extra fingers to
make it 14?"

There's a couple of things about Pope Leo XIV we need to clear up. Like, doesn't the name look like that of an e-car? Drive the new Leo XIV! More miles per charge than any other battery-powered vehicle! The inevitable lion logo might draw the ire of the legal department at MGM, but it would be worth the publicity.

Second, what's all the noise about this being the first American Pope? Do people not remember Pope Francis hailing from Argentina, which is located in South America? I realize the word "America" conjures up non-Argentinian images as hot dogs, Slushees, and Fox News employees running the government. But "America" is not used exclusively by people north of the Mexican border. Hell, if Leo were from Montreal, wouldn't he be technically American? As in NorthAmerican continent?

On the other hand, some things are too far
gone even for the Almighty.

Let's call Leo XIV what he is: the first Chicagoan elected Pope. Now that conjures up much more interesting possibilities, like the Vatican chefs learning to make Chicago favorites like deep-dish pizzas, chicken vesuvio, and edible balloons. And won't it be nice to finally have a Pope who's a fan of baseball rather than soccer for a change? Lucky for the Cubs, if history is any judge they're going to need someone on their side who's got God's ear. 

As with the Ritz Brothers, the real star is in the
middle.

Too, let's put aside for a moment the good works Leo XIV was responsible for
during his Bob Provost days and ponder this instead: Have you ever heard of any Pope having one brother let alone two? 

Talk about sibling rivalry. It's bad enough when a brother makes good on the world stage while you're still stuck in your hometown. 

But imagine your younger brother becoming Pope! Forget about "I'm so proud of him, this doesn't come as any surprise to me". Just wait until they go through a few bottles of Pabst Blue Ribbon at the next Thanksgiving dinner and one of them pulls the "God always liked you best!" stuff. Pope or no Pope, Leo's going to remember that Chicagoans have long memories. 

Oh, and for his own good, Leo XIV better ease up on all the pro-migrant chatter. American Evangelicals have Trump on their side. And we know how he got elected.

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