ADIPOSE REX

 

Coming soon to a clinic near you.

Now that even the Trump administration knows it isn't a good idea to have silicone, superglue, and caulk injected into your butt, body-obsessed women are no longer relying on Home Depot for beauty supplies. Instead, they're returning to the good ol' days of grave robbing: ethically-sourced cadaver fat. 

Well, not grave robbing, per se. As folks can donate their eyes to the blind after they die, they can now do the same with whatever's left to those who need a little more of what their momma didn't give them. 

There was a time when women
wanted this gunk surgically removed.

But don't call it body snatching! The official trademarked name is alloeClae. More inviting, right? The same way you can refer to fatal disease as a "challenging situation". Let's see how AI describes it:

AlloClae is the first structural, donor-derived adipose tissue filler designed for non-surgical body contouring, providing immediate volume and long-term fat grafting results without liposuction. It uses processed, sterilized fat cells to enhance areas like the buttocks, breasts, and hip dips, offering a, low-downtime, and customizable alternative to traditional fat transfer. "Hip dips" is a new one on me, although I'm familiar with the other body parts mentioned. 

A life-changing difference.

The name of the lab responsible for alloeClae, Tiger Aesthetics, evokes images of big game hunting, which isn't ideal if you want to make this kind of thing seem perfectly normal. Their website uses scientific jargon like "Maintains extracellular matrix" and "Retains the innate 3D honeycomb structure of the adipocytes" that comes as naturally to plastic surgeons as "I don't accept insurance". To eager patients willing to take the adipose plunge, it sounds like the coolest sounding butt lift in the world, something out of, well, The (Extracellular) Matrix.

Translation: feast on corpses.

To me, it gives off a Soylent Green vibe, using medical double-talk in place of
saying "dead people's fat". Look at that Tiger Aesthetics screenshot on the left and tell me this isn't something out of a sci-fi/horror movie like The Substance. 

That would look odd.

Patients admit to the "creepiness" of the surgery, while one woman said, "It's like having a Birkin bag on my chest." That sounds like a procedure gone horribly wrong, but she was referring to the $35,000 price-tag. And when you consider that the procedure lasts only one to three years, you have to wonder if spending that kind of dough on a regular basis for the rest of your life is worth not having real Birkin bags. While I've got a butt flatter than a note sung by Madonna when she's not autotuned, I think I'll stick with posing with my own adipose.

                                                 *************