TRASH TALK

God save the King.

 As we await conspiracy theories involving the death of Lindsey Graham -- personally, I think he drove off a cliff after misplacing his moral compass -- let us turn to the Goon Show-style antics otherwise known as British politics. 

Nigel Farage, a self-styled "man of the people", got himself elected as Member of Parliament via the Donald Trump route: pretending to be a right-wing populist while being part of the establishment he was ostensibly campaigning against. His Reform Party was catching on in a big way until it was discovered Farage had accepted £5 million from a British crypto bro. 

Even the Brits know how to make "the
politician face".

Farage, a clever lad from Farnborough, huffily stated he didn't have to declare the money because it was a "gift" and not a campaign donation. Unlike Trump's MAGA zombies and the Republican party in general, Farage's "explanation" didn't go over well with anyone in any UK political party. 

Instead of simply retreating to his estate in order to write his unread and unreadable memoirs, he resigned and called for a by-election in Clacton (could anything sound more British?) with himself in the running. 

This puts a temporary halt to the Parliamentary investigation into his finances. Farage is convinced that he'll win, giving him the chance to say something like, "The people have spoken, so an investigation into my sketchy finances is a waste of taxpayer's shillings."

The "establishment" parties quite rightly consider this a dodgy wheeze, and refuse to run their own candidates against him. Therefore, it was up to a real man of the people to give Farage a run for his £5 million. Enter Count Binface, the 5,900-year-old "intergalactic warrior" from the planet Sigma IX, who covers his face with a garbage bin.

Bin there, done that.

Wait, I know what you're going to say: How can someone from another planet
represent Clacton? And isn't he a little old for the job? 

Read his platform before judging. Outside of the more attention-getting promises -- nationalizing Adele, force lawbreaking bicyclists to ride unicycles, renaming the London Bridge to Phoebe Waller Bridge -- there are others no politician would touch. Requiring water company execs to swim in polluted rivers "to see how they like it"; banning "loud snacks" from theatres; and demanding "trains that work" 

Count Binface au naturel.

If a candidate in New York made these promises, they'd get elected in a heartbeat. And as things stand now, the same might be true in the UK, where Count Binface is beating Farage in the polls 33% to 21%. Yesterday, one of the British news shows I listen to reported that betting parlors that had Binface's chance at 500-1 a month ago are now putting the odds at 5-1. Nigel Farafe must really be what the Brits call a prat.

And here's what's funnier. It's no secret that Count Binface is really a comedian named Jonathan David Harvey. And that if he were to win, the biggest problem is that MPs are not allowed to wear suits of armor or non-religious headgear. 

Let's see David Muir try this.

Still funnier? Watching "news readers" keep a straight face while conducting serious interviews with a guy wearing a garbage can on his head. Damn, I love the British style. 

Political nerds around the world will slavishly watch the results of the by-election in Clacton on August 13. And although even Count Binface himself doesn't expect to win, neither did Donald Trump in 2016. Let this be a lesson to so-called political experts everywhere: forcing polluters to swim in their own waste has a certain appeal. Don't count out the Count!

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