VERBAL ALTERCATION GAMES? (TWO WORDS)

I have this song on repeat.

 If you were to visit my home without warning on any given morning, you would likely be shocked and sickened by what you see: me in my underwear eating breakfast at the dining room table.

After recovering, you would then notice that between bites I appeared to be hard at work on my Kindle tablet. For this is often the one time of day I have to myself to tackle up to four vital projects in a row: online crossword puzzles.

I had gotten into the crossword habit  while doing background work. Depending on the day (Monday being the easiest, then getting progressively harder) The New York Post puzzle could provide anywhere from 30 minutes to hours of challenging entertainment. While my colleagues were yakking or endlessly scrolling through their phone for empty diversion, I was wracking my brain as I tried to come up with a six-letter word for a white radish (DAIKON). 

When my routine was interrupted by the eight-letter word for isolation (LOCKDOWN), I quickly went into withdrawal. But having improved my synapses with all that linguistic dexterity, I remembered that the Post puzzle was actually syndicated by the Los Angeles Times, and available free on the latter's website. 

My wife and me at home.

I quickly got into a new routine: crosswords for breakfast! And if Sue awoke before I was finished, she was happy to stick her head over my shoulder and chime in when she thought necessary -- which, as far as I was concerned, was never.

But in those rare instances when I was unable to complete a puzzle, I'd hand it over to her. It took her a while to understand that a clue like "Beginning of drama" meant PSYCHO, or that another ending with a question mark meant they were looking for a play on words. If Sue muttered, "Oh, brother!", it meant an especially good pun -- meaning she couldn't solve it without my help.

As weeks passed, I discovered that certain words and names kept recurring due to their vowels. The only thing that changed were the clues. "Avant-garde musician" or "Recorded 'Another Green World'" could only mean ENO. "Palindromic name" or "Bavarian King" was OTTO. "Colleague of Amy and Sonia" or "Works with Neil and Brett"? ELENA, of course!

The crossword triumvirate.

"You gotta gimme something stronger, doc!"

No question, I've become hooked. And like all addicts, one isn't enough. After finishing the main Los Angeles Times puzzle, I tackle its mini-puzzle: eight words from three to five letters long. My fastest time -- yes, I set the puzzle's timer -- was 28 seconds. You might not think this is something to boast about, but it is when there are times when I can't finish it. 

From there, I go to the Daily Beast crossword. This provides more of a challenge, seeing that it focuses on daily events and pop culture. If I finish the name of a particular hockey player, it's only because I've filled the boxes thanks to the other words that go through it. Same for Top 40 singers. Do you really think I know who recorded "Driver's License"? Would you?

Just as I had become accustomed to my three-puzzle morning, Sue started a 12-week-for-$12 subscription to the Wall Street Journal -- which includes access to its online edition. Before you could say "Hedge Fund Managers", I had a fourth crossword to tackle. But not without problems.

Never ask a smartass cat for help.

You see,  the LA Times and Daily Beast crosswords are powered by the user-friendly PuzzleMe software, which immediately lets you know if you're entering the wrong word. (Yes, I take advantage of the help. Whaddaya gonna do about it?) The Journal, though, is too cheap to use PuzzleMe, and appears to have created its own software. 

Not only is the Journal crossword slower, it doesn't automatically skip over words you've already finished. Even worse, you have no idea if you're entering the incorrect answer until you finish. This is OK if, say, you've confused "Wheel Rod" (AXLE) with "Eddie's 'Beverly Hills Cop' character" (AXEL). 

What's a five letter word for "Guys Who Can't
Get Laid"?

But if you've got a ten letter answer, and there's already lag time between touching the keyboard and seeing the answer appear, it can definitely add unwanted seconds to your score. 

For a newspaper devoted to the triumph of big business, the Wall Street Journal certainly has second-rate software for its loyal readers. Or, in my case, readers whose wife's subscription is over by the end of summer.

The glitches haven't stopped me from including it in my daily crossword rounds. The Journal, like the others, uses ERIE and EERIE and ERA and EON on an almost daily basis, which helps speed things along. Too, I now know the three-letter name of Bea and Betty's co-star on "Golden Girls" (RUE). In the 1920s, some people wouldn't have been impressed with my talent:

On the other hand, if the worst thing a pastor can condemn is a crossword puzzle, he's likely hiding a personal flaw. Something to do with -- well, it starts with S and ends with X. And it's not a musical instrument.

                                                            ***********